Meeting Dad- Part IV

But the man who he thought was his father was not done yet. He continued, “You know what you are? You are just a pathetic coward! Why don’t you just accept that? And you know something else? You are not just a coward. You are a nobody. Wanna know why? I will tell you why! You are a nobody because you believe your identity comes from who I am. You believe your relationship to me defines who you are! All your life you have lived just as the son of a convict haven’t you? Never able to grow beyond it. You know what that means? IT MEANS YOU ARE A NOBODY! NOBODY!”

“Please stop this!” Samir finally responded. His voice was almost masked in his crying. “Stop this! I can’t take this anymore. If you don’t like me, then please, just say so. But don’t humiliate me like this! Yes you are right. I haven’t come to see you in the past even when I knew I could do so. I also don’t know what you did to go to prison. Mom never spoke about you and I was afraid I would find out something bad if I tried to meet you. But today was my last chance to meet you and I did not want to regret not making the effort to do so later.”

Samir tried to control his crying and began to regain his composure. He could not say if his father was listening to him at all or not. After a few moments, he continued, “But now I feel I made a mistake. Maybe you did something terrible, maybe you didn’t. Either way, you were in prison for a long time. And do you know how it is for somebody to grow up knowing that their father is in prison? You were able to see right through me all this time and you told me things about me that I myself found hard to accept. But what do you know about growing up without a father? What do you know about all the times Mom had to beat me- like a father does- and then console me like a mother? Can you imagine how it felt to answer people when they asked me what my father was doing? I had to face that humiliation my entire life. But despite all that, you know why I still came to see you?”

By now, Samir felt more in control of the situation. His dad was simply listening to everything he was saying without any form of expression. Samir sat back and paused for a minute. He took a deep breath and seemed to get lost in some thought for a moment. He then lowered his voice and started speaking slowly. “I came to see you because I wanted to see for myself who you are, and more importantly, what you are. I wanted to know if we could get to know each other a bit more- like father and son. I wanted to know if I can go back home and sleep peacefully knowing that I have a father who is also something apart from being an ex convict. And yes, you were also right when you said that I have been living as the son of a convict all these years. As disappointing as it may be, it is also the truth. You see, I really didn’t have much of a choice in that. I had to prove to myself and the world on a day to day basis that I was something more than just a convict’s son. So did I blame you for that? Maybe I did, but then I got used to the way people responded. So it didn’t matter whose fault it was after a while.

I didn’t know what to expect when I came here to see you. When I was standing outside, waiting for you, I had thoughts of you and me keeping in touch with each other. Probably even catch a movie sometime. But if what I have seen today is any indication of who you are, I don’t think we will even be in touch, let alone watch a movie together.” Samir paused for a while. He then turned to face his father and looking him straight in the eye, he said, “I have never known what having a father figure feels like. I thought I would find out today. But I guess I was wrong. And frankly speaking, I think I would be more happy not knowing you at all, because if I get to know you more, I have a feeling I will only get more disappointed.”

And as he said those words with a heavy heart, Samir felt tears rolling down his eyes. And as he was wiping them off, his father said, “Take me to the outskirts of the town. I will show you the way.” Samir recomposed himself and stepped on the gas. For the rest of the drive, neither spoke anything apart from his father giving him directions now and then. Samir was surprised that his father knew the directions well but then after a while, he found his father holding a piece of paper with a route map on it. It was then that Samir realized that his father had already made plans after his release. He was not sure what to make of it and so kept on driving without asking any questions. They came on to an intersection where his father asked him to take a left and get inside an old factory. And as Samir slowly entered the factory gate, his father asked him to stop. Samir brought the car to a halt and both of them just sat there, neither ready to make the first move.

“I am going to go now.” his father said after a while. Then avoiding Samir’s gaze, he began to unbuckle his seat belt. He began to unlock the door when he looked back at Samir. Then trying to keep his voice devoid of any emotion, he said, “Look. There are a few things you may not understand. Twenty years is a long time. A lot of things happen to people in that time. A lot of things happened to me during that time. People tend to change. I changed.” There seemed to be a hint of regret in his voice, something almost pointing towards his helplessness in the past. “You are a good kid. And you don’t need me or my identity to move on in your life.”

Samir glanced ahead and saw a car approaching them. as his father opened the car door and got out. The car stopped beside his father and a middle aged man stuck his head out of the window and looked suspiciously at Samir. The he said to his father, “I thought you were going to get a taxi.” His father looked at Samir for a while, and Samir felt his father must have had a million thoughts running through his head at that moment. Then without turning back to the other guy, he said, “That’s alright. He is my son.”

Samir tried hard not to let his emotions that began building inside to get the better of him. He put up a composed face and watched his father bend down to the window. He said, “What I did back then to go to prison…. It wasn’t bad. And it happened a long time back.” He then hesitated for a moment, as if gathering up his courage for something. Then he said something that Samir would never forget for the rest of his life, “I am your father. But I cannot be the Dad that you are looking for. I am sorry.”

As he got into the other car, Samir knew he was going to hang on to those last few lines that his father told him. And as he watched his father drive away from him without as much as giving a parting glance, he knew that he would never ever make the effort to find out what his dad had really done to go to prison. But as the car began to disappear from his view, Samir found himself uttering that one word he wished he had said earlier, “Dad…..”

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