Meeting Dad – Part III
Samir thought about all those times in his childhood when his mother shouted at him for asking when he would see his father again. He remembered how he had spent everything that he had got on his 19th birthday to track down where his father was held just because his mom would never talk about it. Then he thought about all those times when he set out to go see his father but would back out at the last moment out of fear- fear of uncertainty. And last night, he had thought long and hard, fully aware that his last opportunity lay before him the following day. But when he looked into his father’s eyes, driving the car, he felt the same fear that had prevented him from visiting his dad before.
“I wanted to see you free.” Samir replied.
“What?”
“I just wanted to see you free..thats all!”
“As opposed to..?” his father continued. But Samir didn’t answer back this time.
“As opposed to seeing me in prison? Is that it? Is that why you never came to see me all these years?” His father was still shouting.
“Yes…” stammered Samir.
“And why exactly would you be scared to see me in prison? You were definitely aware of the fact that I have been there since a long time. So why the worry?” his dad asked him. This time, his tone had a more sarcastic and mocking attitude to it.
Samir found it increasingly hard to think of reasonable replies to his father’s queries and focus on the road at the same time. But his thoughts were elsewhere. He knew the fear that kept him from visiting his father was not just based on the uncertainty. There was more to it than just that. He knew exactly what it was that had kept him from visiting his father all these years. But it was also something that he could never bring himself to face head on. He turned and looked at his father’s eyes and their gaze met for a fleeting second, before he looked elsewhere. But that fleeting second was more than enough for his father to see right through him. Samir’s eyes had betrayed the ignorance that was so far masked by his silence, and that fear then revealed itself fully. His father was taken aback for a second, before he understood what lay behind that façade of silence and then he wondered aloud, “You really have no idea why I was sent to prison do you?”
Of course, he didn’t have to wait for Samir’s response. The answer was written all over his face. His father began to laugh softly, muttering to himself, “Unbelievable! All this time, all these years, you never even knew WHY I was in prison! Your mother never told you did she?” He laughed a little more before another realization seemed to hit him. Then he continued, “So that’s what you were scared of? Is that it?” Once again, Samir’s eyes did all the talking.
“So all this while, you were scared of finding out about the crime I committed to get myself into prison. You didn’t have the courage to find it out yourself. I know you could have found out so don’t pretend otherwise. And now you are scared that you will find out.” said his father.
Samir knew the naked truth was out. He couldn’t deny it. But accepting it brought with it the uncertainty regarding his father’s past- what he was, and perhaps what he will always be. However, he wanted to think of it as a necessary measure to put the past behind him. Not knowing what his father had done would inevitably make it that much more easy. But yet, there he was, on the verge of discovering what he dreaded and feared the most.
“It doesn’t matter….” he stuttered in a desperate effort to stop his father.
“What?”
“I said it doesn’t matter! What you did… it happened a long time ago. It doesn’t matter now.” Samir tried to justify.
His dad eyed him for a second or two, then bluntly, he said, “You really don’t know anything about me do you? I bet you have had this whole innocent-man-wrongly-sent-to-prison idea about me all this time. And now you are just waiting for me to validate that so you can go home and sleep peacefully!” He gave out another small sarcastic laugh.
“But what if I did do something wrong? And did it deliberately? What happens then? What do you think I did? In fact, tell me this. What do you think I COULD have done? Go on. Tell me.”
Samir was now visibly shaking. He had slowed down his car considerably in the past few minutes. He felt his driving was on some form of autopilot while his mind was clouded with his father’s questions. He heard his father’s voice amidst the haze and just found himself saying, “I don’t know.”
“You know people don’t get sentenced to 20 years in prison for any arbitrary crime. You know what crimes get 20 years? You think I am an evil man? Tell me something. You think I could have killed somebody?”
And at that moment, Samir snapped! He steered the car left and stamped the brakes hard, bringing the car to a violent stop. Then he just broke down. He just lay there behind the wheel, his face in his hands, making absolutely no effort to control his crying. His father saw him crying uncontrollably but didn’t as much as finch a muscle.
And at that moment, Samir snapped! He steered the car left and stamped the brakes hard, bringing the car to a violent stop. Then he just broke down. He just lay there behind the wheel, his face in his hands, making absolutely no effort to control his crying. His father saw him crying uncontrollably but didn’t as much as finch a muscle.
Samir’s worst fear had come true. All those things that had kept him from visiting his dad all these years were staring right in his face now, as if trying to say, “I told you so”. The uncertainty that was an inevitable part of meeting his dad today had overcome his hopes for a peaceful reunion. His father gave out a small laugh. He said, “You really have no idea who I am. In fact, what if I tell you that I am not your father? What are you gonna do then?”
Samir had not imagined that possibility in his wildest dreams. He looked up to face the man who he had believed, without an ounce of doubt, to be his father. His eyes, filled with tears, were just begging this man to show some mercy. Samir knew he had crossed the point where his disappointment had turned to regret. He just wanted it to stop. More importantly, he wanted to be left alone, because he knew that it was only in solitude that he would stop feeling the humiliation- at least there wouldn’t be anyone around to see him regret his choice.
CONTD….
